sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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