my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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