If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize