I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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