Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
