Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
