I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
