So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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