you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
