My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
