I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
