this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize