I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
