You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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