So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
