College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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