I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
