Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize