Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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