shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
