you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Is Oprah even human
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
