Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
