there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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