i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Sober January is a disaster.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
