that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
