Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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