my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
