Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
