I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
