I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
