sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
