yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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