This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
