if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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