The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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