i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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