I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
