...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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