He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I lost the right to judge tonight
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize