just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
