Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
