The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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