I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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