And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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