Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
