your thong is hanging out like whoa
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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