She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
