I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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