I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
