I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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