She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
