He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
