Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
