Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
