My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
