I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
