I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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