god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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